These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s the dogs’ mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC 2.