Stolen from the Sun, who in turn borrowed it from a new book out…

1) On school reports: My teacher said I was very epidemically bright. I was prowed!

2) On art classes: Today I painted an octopuss with big eyes and eight purple testicles.

3) In his own story: Time seemed to be standing still. Nothing was happening and I was getting scarred. I looked again at my cock. It hadn’t moved since I last looked at it.

4) On the choir: In last year’s Christmas concert, Linzie played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.

5) On Geography: In Scandinavia , the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norweigans come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

6) On charity work: I feel sorry for the people in Africa. They are staring to death. They only get a little groin to eat. I wouldn’t like to eat groin.

7) On maths: The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls Santa on his Sleigh.

8) On automobiles: Helicopters are cleverer than planes . Not only can they fly through the air, they can also hoover.

9) On history: Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.

10) On the 1930s: If you had no money in the 1930s, you could get some by going to a porn shop. The man at the porn shop had three balls hanging over his entrance.

11) On World War Two: Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them ostridges until the war is over.Some prisoners end up in consterpation camps.

12) On ancient history:In a field near my house, they think they have found the remains of a roman fart.

13) On the holidays: When it gets near Christmas, I get choclat penis. I get one every morning.

14) A prayer: Dear God, My wish is that there would be pis all over the world. Make the wars end and let people live in pis all their lives.

15) On illness: I went to see the doctor because I have awful crap. I woke up with crap all down my leg yesterday and I cuddent put my foot down.

16.) On hobbies: My hobby is insest. I learnt about all kinds of insest from a book I bort at a bring and buy sale. I speshly like aunts.

17.) On nuclear anxiety: My dad talked about weapons of mass destruction while eating dinner. I’m worried about this. I don’t want to get bumbed.

18) What she did at the weekend: This wikend we went shopping. I got some new shoes and mummy got a new pair of tits.

19) When I grow up: I would like to have lots of babys when I am a grown-up. My mummy says I need to wait until I’m older but Tina across the raod has lots of babys and she isn’t grown up. She also has lots of husbends.

20) Bedtime: It is verry noisy for me at night because we live above a pube.

Blackboard Blunders (Spelling Slip-ups and Homework Howlers) by Richard Benson is published by Summersdale, priced £5.99 is available at all good bookshops.