“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
Dave Barry
“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!'”
Dave Barry
“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
Joan Rivers.
“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.”
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”
W.C. Fields
“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
Dick Gregory
“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Johnny Carson.
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning.
“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… ”
Berke Breathed “
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
Jay Leno.
“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
Jay Leno.
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
Tom Armstrong
“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?”
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.”
P. J. O’Rourke
“There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections, traditions.”
Bill McKibben
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”
Norman Vincent Peale
“There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.”
W.J. Cameron.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”
Victor Borge
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
P.J. O’Rourke.
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
Larry Wilde.
“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”
Hamilton Wright Mabi
“Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years… Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart.”
George Matthew Adams
“I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.”
Harlan Miller
“If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away.”
“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”
“Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.”
Helen Steiner Rice
Dave Barry
Phyllis Diller
Joan Rivers.
“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.”
W.C. Fields
“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
Dick Gregory
“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie
Johnny Carson.
Bernard Manning.
“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… ”
Berke Breathed “
Jay Leno.
Jay Leno.
Shirley Temple
Tom Armstrong
“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?”
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
P. J. O’Rourke
Bill McKibben
Norman Vincent Peale
W.J. Cameron.
Victor Borge
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
P.J. O’Rourke.
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
Larry Wilde.
“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”
Hamilton Wright Mabi
George Matthew Adams
“I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.”
Harlan Miller
“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”
“Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.”
Helen Steiner Rice