1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where
my watch is pal, where the @#$@ is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too."
Right!. What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say "It’s always in the last place you look." Of course it
is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?" No, I paid
£7.00 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn’t really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it’s new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, there must
have been something before it.
8. When people say, "Life is short." What?? Life is the longest damn thing
anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
Proud To Be British Because
* Only in Britain… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
* Only in Britain… do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
* Only in Britain… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
* Only in Britain… do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
* Only in Britain… do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
* Only in Britain… do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of
* Only in Britain… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
* 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
* 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
* 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
* 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.
* 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.
* British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
* 101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled
out of the soles of their feet.
* 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
* A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
* 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
* In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
Men & Women’s Dictionary Definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s bonnet.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper
levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the
office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing cricket without a box.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look
male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What women do while the man is shagging.