Today is “Tell an old joke day” – so let’s have 50 of the greatest old jokes… they say the old ones are the best.
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
50 I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.”. So I went – and I got it.
49 A seal walks into a club…
48 Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.
47 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
46 I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45 I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
43 You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.
42 I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.
41 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
40 I said to this train driver: “I want to go to Paris.” He said: “Eurostar?” I said: “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
39 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.”
38 A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
37 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts”. Well, YES. That’s what I bought them for. You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.
36 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35 I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”
34 A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
33 I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”
31 I’m in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”
30 I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.
29 I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”
28 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
27 Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.
26 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”
24 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
23 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”
22 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
21 A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
20 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.
19 I rang up BT. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”
18 “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
17 When Susan’s boyfriend proposed, she said: “I love the simple things in life but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”
16 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.
15 Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”
14 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
13 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”
12 My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
11 Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.
10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
9 I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
8 “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.
7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
5 A classic from Tommy Cooper – I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: “Shut up, you’re next.”
3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”