These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

   Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it
rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
   A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

   Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
   A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

   Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
   A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

   Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
   A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

   Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send
me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
   A: What did your last slave die of?

   Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa? (USA)
   A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not… oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every
Tuesday night in Hillbrow. › Come naked.

   Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
   A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

   Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
   A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

   Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
   A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

   Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
   A: No, WE don’t stink.

   Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
   A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

   Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
   A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

   Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
   A: Only at Christmas.

   Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
   A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

   Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
   A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

   Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can
dispense rattle snake serum. USA)
   A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.

   Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
   A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

   Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
   A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.