* Adverts that say "Say no to crack" remind you to pull up your jeans.
* You’ve ever had to scratch your sister’s name out of a message that begins "For a good time, call …."
* A seven course meal is three oatcakes and a four-pack of beers
* You think Dom Perignon plays for Juventus
* The value of your car goes up and down depending on how much petrol it has in it
* Your family tree is a straight line
* Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same year
* Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your Vauxhall Viva does
* You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy
* You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub
* You go to your family reunion looking for a date
* Your toilet paper has numbers on it
* You believe dual air-bags is a reference to your wife and mother-in-law
* Your brother-iin-law is your uncle and your grandfather
* The Samaritans put the ‘phone down on you
* Your dog can’t watch you eat without being sick
* Your girlfriend deflates every time you give her a love-bite
* You think watching wrestling is foreplay
* You believe incest is somthing that is supposed to smell nice
* On Christmas Day, you have to decide which pet to eat
* You think a good screw is a friendly prison warder
* You think an itchy fanny is a Japanese motorbike
* You think Bristol Cream is what women rub on sore nipples
* You think backgammon is a pig’s arse
* You believe a zulu is a toilet at Whipsnade
* You believe an innuendo is an Italian suppository
