Previously, on my blog…
I’m now up to about now – November 2021.
In reality I’ve got another chapter to follow since it’s now March 2022 – anyway.
The pandemic has been tough for everyone I know. So when I see people berating the use of a vaccine, or not wearing a mask, or just being a dick about it all, I do find it hard to ignore, but like I’ve said previously, this is my truth – those opinions they hold, are theirs.
Pretty much up to date now, so where do you find me with my adoption journey?
I’ve been in contact with my “Irish Fam” now for the best part of two years. It’s been a proper rollercoaster with everything that’s been happening, and recently I did something that I suppose I was doing to push the conversation forward.
I understand how bad some countries around the world have been affected with COVID19, and Ireland has been hit pretty badly. I’ve been wanting to visit, and finally meet my birth family, but lockdowns and travelling restrictions have been against this. With restrictions easing, I thought I’d broach the subject of coming over to Ireland, and would they want to meet me.
I want to say the response I’ve had isn’t really what I wanted – it feels that their not keen, well, in some parts of the family anyway. I know I’ve said previous about not liking phone conversations and text can be seen the same way, you just don’t know how to read what someone says, or how they mean it.
Some of these blogs could be seen as opinion, but also it’s my truth, what I know from what I have in documentation. As I’ve mentioned previously, about the whole “lighting the blue touch paper” thing. These are about doing that, what they’re about I suppose is for me to understand how I feel about being a secret.
And yes, after all this time, I’m still a secret in some parts of the family. Or maybe they know and don’t know how to deal with it?
I have thought about how I’d feel with an elder brother coming into the family, what would that mean, how the family dynamic might change.
I’d love to have a conversation with them, which I think I will at some point, and just say, “I don’t want anything, I just want to be recognised, accepted as part of your family”, because ultimately, that’s where I feel these blog posts have been about. Being a part of something.
In writing these posts, and prior to them, I’ve also started to think about who I want in my life. I’ve tended to concentrate on those I suppose who aren’t that bothered (it feels anyway), where I should be concentrating on those who do bother.
It’s the little things, like messaging someone asking them “how’s things in your world”. I’ve looked through my messenger, and can’t find a single conversation that’s been started by someone else. So, that’s where I am I suppose. Starting to concentrate on who should matter, and not those that’s shouldn’t.
I did take a few weeks away from my social media, prior to my recent birthday, because I felt like I’d had enough of reading all the bullshit. But then when I returned with a fresher outlook I read this quote “Don’t use social media less. Use it intentionally. Follow people who inspire & motivate you. Engage with experts you can learn from. Create genuine, positive friendships. Just stop mindlessly scrolling” ~ @jojoansett
And I suppose that’s where this blog comes in too. I want to use my voice to start a conversation. Okay, it might be a one sided conversation, but it’s a start.
With the adoption, I don’t want to be a secret. I want to be accepted for who I am.
You may think in all the posts I’ve not really mentioned much about my Irish family, well, for now, I’m still going to keep them close to me. They may read this, or not, but if they do so happen to read these posts, I just want them to know, the only thing I might ever want, is to be called brother, uncle, cousin or nephew.
When I first started writing these posts, I wasn’t sure where they’d end, if I’d actually complete them, or would they ever be published – but if you’re seeing this, they have been, and I did complete them, but as for the ending… I’ll let you know.
There will no doubt be further posts about this, that much I do know, but I just wanted to get some of this our there, and maybe start a conversation with other adoptees, to understand some of the feelings or ideals I’ve been getting. But for now, as I’ve finished off each post…
Thanks for checking me out…
(PS. Thanks for Checking Me Out comes from being on the radio – hate the idea it’s my sign off, but it is something I’ve said on the radio pretty much since 1995)
