Previously, on my blog…
I’m now up to about now – well, March 2022.
It’s been strange having posts saved and not doing anything with them until I find the strength to click publish, and in the interim how things change.
Since Nov’21, there has been a development. Not sure if previously I’ve mentioned about one family member not engaging at all, well, long story short, she messaged me.
Some of these blogs could be seen as opinion, but also it’s my truth, what I know from what I have in documentation. As I’ve mentioned previously, about the whole “lighting the blue touch paper” thing. These are about doing that, what they’re about I suppose is for me to understand how I feel about being a secret.
And yes, after all this time, I’m still a secret in some parts of the family. Or maybe they know and don’t know how to deal with it?
I have thought about how I’d feel with an elder brother coming into the family, what would that mean, how the family dynamic might change.
I’d love to have a conversation with them, which I think I will at some point, and just say, “I don’t want anything, I just want to be recognised, accepted as part of your family”, because ultimately, that’s where I feel these blog posts have been about. Being a part of something.
In writing these posts, and prior to them, I’ve also started to think about who I want in my life. I’ve tended to concentrate on those I suppose who aren’t that bothered (it feels anyway), where I should be concentrating on those who do bother.
It’s the little things, like messaging someone asking them “how’s things in your world”. I’ve looked through my messenger, and can’t find a single conversation that’s been started by someone else. So, that’s where I am I suppose. Starting to concentrate on who should matter, and not those that’s shouldn’t.
I did take a few weeks away from my social media, prior to my recent birthday, because I felt like I’d had enough of reading all the bullshit. But then when I returned with a fresher outlook I read this quote “Don’t use social media less. Use it intentionally. Follow people who inspire & motivate you. Engage with experts you can learn from. Create genuine, positive friendships. Just stop mindlessly scrolling” ~ @jojoansett
And I suppose that’s where this blog comes in too. I want to use my voice to start a conversation. Okay, it might be a one sided conversation, but it’s a start.
With the adoption, I don’t want to be a secret. I want to be accepted for who I am.
When I first started writing these posts, I wasn’t sure where they’d end, if I’d actually complete them, or would they ever be published – but if you’re seeing this, they have been, and I did complete them, but as for the ending… I’ll let you know.
There will no doubt be further posts about this, that much I do know, but I just wanted to get some of this our there, and maybe start a conversation with other adoptees, to compare and contrast.
This post might be dated March 2022, but the reality is it’s now July 2023, and a lot has happened since. I know I need to revisit these posts since what I once thought I knew, is now not the case.
But for now, and till I actually get up to date.
Thanks for checking me out!
